10.10.2013

Where am I? Fighting the fear, that's where.

On September 30th, Kenn and I packed our humble belongings onto a 20' truck and hauled it 2700 miles across the country. Six days later, everything we owned (except for our computer and a random assortment of clothes) was put into a 10' x 20' storage space. With a fair amount of room to spare.

Tonight, I am in the attic bedroom of one of my good friends. In the beautiful pacific northwest. In the lovely and exciting city of Portland, Oregon. But I can't enjoy any of it. Because I'm so scared.

Scared we made a mistake.
Scared we won't find a home.
Scared we won't find a studio.
Scared this is the end of my business.
Scared I'll never pay that tax bill.
Scared we took this challenge and are about to fail. Big time.
Scared that this was a mistake.

(we have been here for 4 days.)

Fear.

It is all-encompassing. And debilitating. And, well, terrifying. I want to relax and enjoy this change. We did this for a reason. We knew it would be hard. We are resilient and resourceful. But, right now, I wonder if we didn't take on more than we can handle.

Will my business survive? When I'm ready to open again, will I have customers? Did I just completely knock-over our tenuous house of cards?

And if it was a tenuous house of cards, was it bound to be knocked over anyway?

(can obamacare help me?)

And this fear, it feels so self-involved. I know there are plenty of people out there with real challenges. People living in even more tenuous homes of cards. And I want to move past it. So I'm trying. Really I am.

I have refunded and cancelled the handful of remaining outstanding orders that I had planned on finishing up once I got here. I need to let that go. I'm so sorry, but I just can't have that deadline over me. It won't help me find what I am looking for- it will just make me feel more desperate.

And I don't know when I will be open for business again.

(I hope my melatonin kicks in soon.)




If you would like to receive an email notification from me when I am working again, please email me at jeanettezeis @ gmail.com
(I really am hoping to be settled again sometime in November.)


7 comments:

carter gillies said...

Good luck!

Eventually you will find your way. It won't be the same as the old, but maybe it will be better in some ways. Taking that first step away from the security of your known world IS scary, but soon you will learn this new world and will find your place in it. What you did is incredibly brave. You should honor the courage it took to make this change and embrace your new circumstances by exploring them. Think of it as like an art project where you are trying something different, and you need to see what will happen if you do it like this or do it like that. You don't know what the results are supposed to be, because its all about what you discover. I imagine you will discover plenty of fascinating things if you give yourself a chance

Good luck!

Carter

Jean said...

wow, I don't know you and I came over here late from Kim Miles' Positively Vegan site for your giveaway. Now I know clearly that I was supposed to show up today. I am NOT God, nor am I any one who "knows" the future. In fact, I am quite fallible. But I too have had many hard things happen to me. BUT perhaos the fact that I am still standing, despite this, will help to calm you and help to ease what appears to be a case of what people get at times, and for good reason (but it doesn't help things): seemingly free floating anxiety.
You possibly are a bit scattered by what has been happening to you just recently. Maybe you cannot seem to find your place where you can stop to take a breath. Do not worry. I apologize if I sound like a big know it all. I do not mean to. Also:
I am not what people would call a religious person in the classic sense. However, I am going to say something to you which someone said to me years ago when I was feeling the way that you are feeling. Because I know how you are feeling!!!
If you don't want to accept it, please do not be offended by it, as I don't mean to make things harder. Just easier.
Here is what she said to me:

"God will provide".

I had never heard that before. Life goes on and I have had many hard times since--I cannot even count them.
However, she was right. Let go a little, let go of the fear, at the very least, if you possibly can. You will feel your burdens lighten.
Of course this doesn't mean God fixes everything and wham bam bop you have a great life. It just means you are NOT ALONE.
love you.
jean yates
jyatesnewyork@aol.com if you want to write

now where did that giveaway go??? ;)

Cadry said...

Hey Jeanette, I just wanted to let you know that I'm rooting for you! Change is terrifying and exciting and humbling all at once. There's something very vulnerable about having all of your belongings pared down and in storage while other people live their normal lives and your own feels so foreign. It will all work out, but I know that the in-between period is hard. Sending lots of good vibes your way and thinking of you!

jeanette said...

Thanks Carter! I know you are right and I am going to try to embrace this change. I have no doubt that I will learn new things about myself and that stepping away from my security will bring out something new in my life. Its just those late night moments that can get to me, you know?

Otherwise, we spent all day yesterday enjoying the nature that our new home has to offer and today we will do more exploring.

jeanette said...

Hi Jean,

I am an atheist, but I do believe that we have to let go of the fear and "trust the process." Which is sort of the same thing, right? Leave the fear behind and enjoy the sights! I am trying to do just that. Allowing myself to let go of the plan and just see where this little trip take us. No doubt it will be surprising and different and scary and fun!

Thank you for your comment- I appreciate it. Looks like you are too late for that giveaway, now!

jeanette said...

Hi Cadry-

Thanks, dear! It is terrifying and feels so foreign. And getting to our new "normal" is going to take some time, but we will get there. (And of course, it doesn't hurt that we are in the land of vegan overload!)

xo

Linda had a little lamb said...

I totally understand your fear, but it will turn out well. I packed up my stuff in Vancouver and shipped it all to Ottawa (halfway across the country). I didn't have a job lined up. I didn't know anyone. I paid for my first and last months rent for a tiny little apartment. A few nights before I was to move into my apartment in this new city, I had a MAJOR panic attack. I was doubting my decision and thinking that I had made a HUGE mistake. But then I moved there anyway, found a job within a few weeks, made friends right away and all worked out well. That was back in January 2007 and here we are in October 2013 and I am now blessed to be married to an amazing man (whom I met in Ottawa) and we had a cute little daughter. I couldn't be happier and I am so thankful that I made that huge leap of faith to move by myself to a place that I knew very little about. You have to listen to your inner voice and mine had told me quite clearly that that is where I needed to be. It will never steer you wrong. Just put your doubts aside and do what needs to be done in order to succeed. You will be fine.