On September 30th, Kenn and I packed our humble belongings onto a 20' truck and hauled it 2700 miles across the country. Six days later, everything we owned (except for our computer and a random assortment of clothes) was put into a 10' x 20' storage space. With a fair amount of room to spare.
Tonight, I am in the attic bedroom of one of my good friends. In the beautiful pacific northwest. In the lovely and exciting city of Portland, Oregon. But I can't enjoy any of it. Because I'm so scared.
Scared we made a mistake.
Scared we won't find a home.
Scared we won't find a studio.
Scared this is the end of my business.
Scared I'll never pay that tax bill.
Scared we took this challenge and are about to fail. Big time.
Scared that this was a mistake.
(we have been here for 4 days.)
It is all-encompassing. And debilitating. And, well, terrifying. I want to relax and enjoy this change. We did this for a reason. We knew it would be hard. We are resilient and resourceful. But, right now, I wonder if we didn't take on more than we can handle.
Will my business survive? When I'm ready to open again, will I have customers? Did I just completely knock-over our tenuous house of cards?
And if it was a tenuous house of cards, was it bound to be knocked over anyway?
(can obamacare help me?)
And this fear, it feels so self-involved. I know there are plenty of people out there with real challenges. People living in even more tenuous homes of cards. And I want to move past it. So I'm trying. Really I am.
I have refunded and cancelled the handful of remaining outstanding orders that I had planned on finishing up once I got here. I need to let that go. I'm so sorry, but I just can't have that deadline over me. It won't help me find what I am looking for- it will just make me feel more desperate.
And I don't know when I will be open for business again.
(I hope my melatonin kicks in soon.)
If you would like to receive an email notification from me when I am working again, please email me at jeanettezeis @ gmail.com
(I really am hoping to be settled again sometime in November.)